With Love Forever
(Vincent’s Letter To His Son)

by Michelle

Note: This story appeared first in the Treasure Chambers "Together Forever VII - The Truth I Will Always Know" onzine in 2023. 

※※※※※

Dearest Jacob,
 

it’s deep into the night as I’m writing these words to you. Our world is asleep, at peace, finally the peace we all have been craving for so long…

            Time has passed and I still find it difficult to believe that I have not been living in some fantasy, created in my head by my deepest desires and dreams. I’m still learning - although with the greatest pleasure - to live in the wondrous, most beautiful and magical reality of being part of a family of my own.

            For so many years, our Tunnel family has surrounded me with kindness, affection and love. Their acceptance, support and friendship helped me grow into the man I am today, and a large part of my heart will always belong to them. They were the first to give me, an outcast, a chance to live… to live a decent and honourable life despite my limitations, something that the world Above would never do. The greatest of them has been your grandfather… I owe him my life, my passion for learning, my strength and the joy coming from everything good that I have ever been given.

Yet, despite all of this love I have experienced in my life, I felt an emptiness inside me that no one in the Tunnels could fill, a void that kept me wandering in the world Above, shrouded in darkness, searching for my destiny. In my dreams, I was searching for what I saw all around me and yet, couldn’t touch - I craved the feeling of belonging with another soul…
            Life can often be strange, sometimes cruel, and never unmarked by pain, yet it can surprise you most in moments when you least expect it. It surprised me at such a time, on one dark and cold April night on my walk in Central Park. That night has engraved an eternal mark on my heart. It was the night I found your mother…

You are still too young to understand, but by the time you read this letter, if fate allows, your life will be full of experiences, joys and pains (for no one goes through life without either), friendships and memories. Above all, though, I hope it will be full of love, for that is the force that drives us onward, no matter how troublesome the road, and gives us new wings when our own have been broken.

Your mother rightly said that with love all things are possible; you being in this world are the brightest example of that. Thanks to love, I am alive and a father, and tomorrow I will become something that was inconceivable only a short time ago - a husband, binding my life with the woman who made me see the man inside me…
            To describe what your mother has meant to me is an almost impossible task, for there are no words that could do justice to what she has done for me, my heart and my soul. She ended my aloneness and gave me the courage and strength to go to places I had never been able to before. Thanks to her, I finally know what it feels like to belong with someone… She saw past my imperfections, seeing the true me, with all the good and ugly that comes with it. She helped me fight my own demons and come out victorious, accepting my whole self without being afraid of its darker side.

Was she frightened? Oh, of course, she was. Those who love are always afraid, mainly for those they love. Yet, she persevered, never wavering in her determination to help me see myself as a man and not as a beast…

Once, long ago, she said, “I owe you everything”. The truth is, I owe her much more than she could ever understand… but most of all her fearlessness to love a being that most people Above would banish from their world… or so I’ve been told all my life. Her love opened a new world to me; her hand that reached for mine, helped me to walk through fire and desolation when all hope seemed lost and buried in the ashes of despair.

I can only hope that one day, you will be as blessed to find a love as beautiful, powerful and liberating as mine, and that it will carry you through life with courage and strength, helping you to reach always higher than you think you are able to…

The clock on the mantelpiece is quietly ticking away the remaining moments before the most wondrous day of my life begins. You are still contentedly sleeping in your crib, while I glance at the bed where your mother is still dreaming her peaceful dreams of today, tomorrow, and the rest of our lives. I still cannot get enough of the sight of her, because the beauty of her heart gives special warmth to the beauty of her face. Remember, Jacob, beauty without a heart is empty and it fades away, but give it a compassionate, kind and loving heart and it outshines the sun forever…

The day will start soon, and although I can feel the excitement rising in me, I would like to freeze this moment in time for a little longer, to preserve this precious image of the perfect balance and peace before my eyes. You and your mother help me keep my balance. Thanks to you, I have found new peace within me that no one and nothing can take away from me anymore, whatever may come in the future.

Wherever your life leads you, be kind, even in the face of unkindness; be strong, even in the face of adversity; be honest, even in the face of deceit; be merciful, even in the face of cruelty; have courage, even in the face of danger; have faith, even when being confronted with doubt; and have patience, for whatever the stars have written for you will find you in the end.

            Above all, please remember that you are dearly loved and that there is a truth I will always know: there is no life without love… love of any kind. Whenever doubts and worries trouble you, love will set you on the right path… it will lead you to where you were meant to be. It will lead you home.
 

From the one who will love and treasure you in his heart forever.

                                                                                                                                                     Your father

Out Of The Darkness 

(Vincent's Letter To Catherine)

by Michelle

Dear Catherine,

Father (and you) said I should be resting, and I am trying, but sleep is still evading me. Vivid images and black shadows of what might have been are still haunting me, and I cannot help but think:

You, darkness… I used to love you more than all the fires that fence in the world… And after the horrific night three days ago, I still do, for out of that darkness, a light arose, allowing me to see and save the one I love the most in the whole world…

The darkness truly pulls in everything. People are often afraid of it, like you are, Catherine, for they think it will imprison them in its grasp and make them feel lost within it. But to me, the darkness gives me protection, comfort, the feeling of safety. Only in darkness, we can admire the moonlight or the twinkling stars. Only in darkness, we can see the candlelight dance, making the eyes of our beloved shine brighter than a diamond…

I know how you felt at death’s door, Catherine; I stood at it with you that night. And no matter what I do or think, I cannot drive away the cold, that sudden excruciating feeling of loss when I thought you were crossing to the other side… The white light was calling you, reaching for you with its merciless hands. And yet, by some miracle, I managed to pull you back from it. Even the angels must have seen how much I need you here on Earth…

After running across the city, my legs were deserting me; I could barely breathe, for my lungs were burning as if on fire. But feeling you go was like a knife going through me - so sudden, so painful, so… unimaginable. There was nothing in the world that could have prevented me from trying to save you. We can listen to our reason, but the heart always knows differently - and mostly better. I followed my heart, along with my instinct, and the sweetest reward was holding you in my arms alive and safe again.

Catherine… How dear that name is to me… Every time my lips say it, it feels like praying. And praying I was on that night, more than ever before in my life, speaking your name in my mind to guide me to you. Could you hear it? I dare to hope you did, for just before you opened your eyes to me, when I finally held you in my arms, in my mind, I heard an echo of your voice calling my name…

Was it our bond that had the power to bring you back to me? Or was it my despair and terror of losing you, forcing me to follow you even to the edge of doom? In the end, I believe it was all of those, but mostly, it was the thing that always brings us together whatever happens and wherever we are - our love…

I am sitting here and writing these words, almost oblivious to the pain caused by my broken rib. A mere discomfort like that is the price I am more than happy to pay for knowing that you walk in this world alive and safe.

There is only one thing that burdens my heart. When I finally faced our enemy down at the lake, when he said those poisonous words to me and tried to convince me I was late… You would say I did what I had to do, but, Catherine, for the first time in my life, I did not regret it… Thinking about it now, I feel shame and guilt. But not until I had returned from you, after it was over that night, have I started feeling remorse for what I did.

Does it make me less human in your eyes? Maybe I should not have mentioned it to you, but we never withheld the truth from each other, and I have always cherished your will to know my feelings and understand them. And so, it is with my never-fading trust in you that I share this thought with you, hoping that like so many times before, you will try to understand and not judge…

It is so peaceful tonight, and despite my remorse over what I did, a much stronger feeling prevails in my heart. You, Catherine, are the sole reason for the existence of that feeling. And as I am searching for the right words to express everything that it encompasses, as always before, I can think of no more perfect word than “blessed”… For love is a blessing, greater than any other we will ever know, and far more powerful than we might ever understand…

As always, my last thought before I fall asleep tonight will belong to you, Catherine. My heart is finally at peace, hoping that yours is, too, and that in our dreams, they will meet again as one…          
                                                                                       Vincent

Here And Beyond
(Catherine's Letter To Vincent)

by Michelle

Dear Vincent,

It’s been three days since that almost fatal night. I’m lying here in my bed, unable to sleep, writing these words to you. Yet again, staring at the dark ceiling above me like so many times before. However, it feels different this time. This time I truly only just escaped Death… And yet again, it was you who stole me from his icy hands, bringing me back to life - to you…

I still shiver, thinking about the moment, when I realised there was no way I could make it out of the car boot alone. It’s strange, but at that moment, I understood all the people who just barely survived a horrible event. They say that when you think you’re about to die, you see glimpses of your life passing by in quick succession in your mind’s eye. The happiest memories, the most exciting experiences, and especially the most beloved faces…

At the moment when I thought I was about to die, I had those glimpses, too. I saw brief happy moments from my childhood with my parents; the day of my college graduation; the thrilling and enormously fulfilling moment of successfully finishing my first case in the D.A.’s office. I saw the smiling faces of Nancy, Jenny and Peter; Joe and his chocolate cheese nuggets; Mouse and Jamie chasing Arthur around William’s kitchen; Pascal with his beloved pipes. I saw the excited faces of the children in the nursery, and Mary, telling a bedtime story to them; Father, reaching his hand out to my cheek when he awakened after the explosion during the cave-in…

 

Then, I saw you, Vincent… I saw your face hiding in the shadows of the hood when I truly looked into your eyes for the first time. The expression of wonder and such deep love in those eyes when I kissed you so much later… I felt your hand holding mine when walking around the park at night, your arms enveloping me in your always safe and warm embrace.  I heard your voice reading to me and leading me to where everything shimmers and floats. A succession of so many shared moments that mean everything in the world to me because you were part of them…

 

And then, I was blinded by a milky light, surrounding me like a soft and comforting blanket, inviting me to come forward, walk into it, and become one with it. It appeared even more tempting when I suddenly spotted the figures of my mother and father, reaching their hands out to me, calling me to follow them... I couldn’t believe I was really dying. But that terrible longing to see my parents again, that alone was more than enough to make me want to follow them for a moment, oblivious to everything else. Suddenly, I felt as light as a feather; it was as if all the earthly burdens were gone from my shoulders, and I was being lifted to somewhere where no worries ever reach. I started walking towards them. And for a moment, I could swear I even saw Ellie’s and Winslow’s faces in the distance…

 

But as always, you and Heaven knew better - it was not my time yet. For my time with you is not over yet; it is just at its beginning. It’s a true miracle, Vincent… almost unbelievable how you always manage to find me even in the darkest times when it seems that Fate wishes to separate us for good…

 

Our bond is something I’ve always cherished deeply, with almost sacred respect. I may not feel it as strongly as you but I hold it deep in my heart as a special gift that I was given by some very fortunate accident - to guide my life, to lead me out of the darkness of my solitude, to remind me that there are things in life that cannot be bought, traded or inherited. They must be deserved. I don’t know how I deserved this bond, how I deserved you, Vincent, but I know I will never take it, you or our love for granted…

 

When you pulled me out of that car and brought me to the shore, I was still unconscious of the world, but I thought I was dreaming. I was in your arms, and suddenly I felt your warm, soft lips on mine… Now I know that it wasn’t a dream. I know that if your lips haven’t touched mine, I would not be lying in my bed tonight, for my lungs would not have cleared themselves up; my body would have given in to the cold and oxygen deprivation. But as always, you changed everything…

 

For so many nights, I have been thinking about you, about us. How far will Fate test us, Vincent? So many close calls, so many moments of fear… Do you know what is strange, though? Ever since we found out about the Watcher, I was afraid, yes. And I know you felt it, no matter how much I tried to hide it from you. But all that time, I was more scared for you than for myself. I was the main target, and still, I was terrified so much more that he would hurt you. I guess that’s what true love does - it blinds you to any of your own discomforts and worries and makes you focus almost entirely on those of the one you love.

 

The thought of being separated from you triggered something in me that I truly believe helped me to return to you from the white light… The faint pull I felt from you, the sudden thought of you not walking beside me, the chill freezing my heart suddenly became unbearable, and at the moment when your lips touched mine, I knew I had to return home… Even in another world, I could not exist without you.

 

I’m lying here and holding your crystal in my hand. My fingers are testing its smooth surface, gliding along the polished edges, and feeling the warmth radiating from it, entering my bloodstream. It is as if I was holding your own heart in my hand. That thought makes me smile, for I recall that is exactly what you told me tonight, “My heart is forever yours, Catherine…You will always hold it in your hands, wherever you are…”

Wherever I am… Now I know that it is not only here on Earth, but I’m sure I will hold it in Heaven one day, as well. For after that horrific experience at the lake, I am certain that nothing can ever separate us…

Vincent… Did I ever tell you that it is my favourite name in the whole world? I don’t think it was before I knew you, but since then, it is. There are so many things I wish to tell you, so many I already did, but still, love is an endless well of words and expressions that cry to come out and be heard…

There is one thing, though, that I did tell you, and I will repeat it until the end of my days, here and beyond.

I love you…

Forever,
                           Catherine

With Courage And Care

(Catherine's Letter To Vincent)

by Michelle

Dear Vincent,

There are no words enough to express how grateful I am to you for allowing me to spend those few days with you. When I learned of dad’s stroke, I felt as if the ground had shifted beneath my feet, and when he died, everything seemed out of place, unreal, pointless, empty.  Everything, apart from you…

I tried so hard to keep it together, recover on my own, but Joe was right. It takes a lot more than three days… To process, accept and learn to live with the knowledge that those who we loved and who loved us will never truly leave us, though we will never see or talk to them in this life again. They just move to another space, remaining a part of us forever, though.

There was only one place I could go to get to the point of acceptance of this knowledge. There is only one person in my life, who I trust with my whole being, who understands my feelings like no one else, who never judges me but opens my eyes to the truth. The one person who always makes me feel safe, welcome and loved…

I know how difficult it was for you to have me so close for a longer time, Vincent. Please, believe me when I say I did not wish to cause you any pain with my presence. We have come so far in those almost two years since we first met, being closer to each other than we’ve ever been, feeling so much deeper than we’ve ever had…

You always tell me I have strength in me and most of the time, I believe you. This time though, I felt like all my strength deserted me, leaving me astray, like an abandoned ship after a raging storm on the sea. It came to a point where every place I went to, everyone I met and everything I did seemed so unfamiliar and useless that I couldn’t go on like that anymore. At that moment, I didn’t lie to you, when I said there was nothing for me up there…

I know you were leaving me space to mourn, just like I know you were never truly far away from me. The rose I found on the bench of my balcony the morning after Daddy passed away gave me more comfort than any embrace and kind words I received from everyone else…

I remember the first time you left me a rose on the balcony. We hadn’t seen each other for a few weeks back then, and I was missing you terribly, wondering why you hadn’t reached out to me again. And then I found the rose and your note…

Vincent, can you even imagine what it meant to me? That was when I truly and fully understood how much I need you in my life… You have given me more roses since then, but that one will always remain a special memory for me. It gave me back the hope that I could be a part of you and you a part of me for as long as time and fate will allow it if we go with courage and care…

When I begged you to take me Below, I was desperate. Not just because I lost my way and saw no true meaning of my life Above anymore, but mostly because I was longing for your nearness. So badly that it almost scared me… I know it must have scared you, too, But you braved it with such grace and courage that I could not have loved you more at the moment when you said “Come,” and took me down to the tunnels…

We have walked on the thin ice of our tamed passion for so long now, that sometimes I get overwhelmed with it. I forget myself, unable to resist that pull, that magnificent power you have over me, wishing for us finally to be truly together…

I don’t know where I found the strength not to ask you to stay with me on that first night when I came Below. Every fibre of my body was screaming for it, but I knew it wasn’t meant to be like that. It was neither the right time nor the right situation surrounding it. And I know you were not ready yet… I’m sure you felt it within me, even though your lips didn’t say it out loud. The look in your eyes was more eloquent than any words could ever be…

And yet, you came to me later in the time of my deep sorrow and held me in your arms long into the night until I fell asleep… How did it make you feel, Vincent? Our bodies were lying so close to each other, my weary head resting on your chest, listening to the beating of your heart. It was beating only a little faster than usually, and yet I could feel a shift in it, radiating something calming and exciting at the same time. To me, it was the sweetest feeling I have ever experienced so far in my life…

During those blessed days that I spent in your nearness, I got a glimpse of what it would be like to live in your world with you. To have the chance of not having to count the hours of the day until I get to see you again; not hating the clock when after such a short precious time you have to leave my balcony and return home to the Tunnels.

You knew better than me that I wasn’t ready yet to take that ground-breaking step and come to live with you in your world, no matter what I said at the Waterfalls that day. But Vincent, the moment when you allowed your heart to speak over your reason, in that so singular, unguarded moment, and told me you didn’t want me to go back, my heart was pounding so much that it almost burst out of my chest. To hear you say those words, knowing that you want to share your life with me in every way, means everything to me, more than you could ever imagine…

I may not be ready for it yet; as you say, I am a woman of both worlds, and there is still so much I need and can do living Above. But I want you to know that I have not given up on our dream. I am certain that one day soon, the time comes when I will be ready, and nothing will ever separate us anymore…

I did find my strength to go back to my world in the end. A world which I so badly wish could become your world as well one day. You helped me to find it, just like countless times before. But surely, you must have known, felt it deep down inside your precious heart, that there was no way I could have left you with just an embrace and a goodbye as I did so many times before. Not after those days we spent together; not after all that you’ve done for me; not after being so close to each other…

There were so many times we were so close… times of quiet contemplation or unexpected spontaneous joy. Ever since that night when you took me to the Music Chamber for the first time, and our musical experience got heightened by that glorious rainstorm, I couldn’t stop thinking about it… The parting at the threshold afterwards almost undid me. It was a moment when I almost gave in to my need and desire, wishing almost painfully that you were bolder and less cautious…

Ever since that night, a fire has been burning in me that I cannot tame, no matter what I do. And I know there is the same flame burning within you. All I need to do is look into your beguiling eyes…

Your words have always been wise, and therefore, I will follow you in going with courage and with care. But it is courage that brought us where we are, Vincent, and I believe it will be courage that will guide us to the place we were always meant to be, no matter what you might think now.

Thank you, Vincent… For being who you are, for being strong for me and for teaching me how to find my own strength. Thank you for not leaving me alone when I needed you most, despite the sacrifice you had to make. And most of all, thank you for having the courage and will to walk with me on the unknown, sometimes difficult yet so beautiful road that is the life we share in our own way…

Love is the strangest thing. One minute it makes you laugh, the other it makes you suffer, but most of the time, it gives you the wings to carry all the weight of the world, knowing that you are not alone and that come what may, there will always be arms to catch you and never let you fall.

That is what I feel when I’m with you, Vincent. I feel like I can do anything, no matter how impossible, because I have you beside me. We may exist as individuals, but together, we live, and most certainly, we love…

I am sitting on my bed, browsing through old family photos, looking at the smiling faces of my mother and father, who are finally together again. They lived and loved as well, and their love transcended time and separation, for Daddy never let the memory of the love of his life slip away, not until the day he left the Earth.

I feel so happy knowing that he had the chance to learn about you, about us. And I’m sure he is at peace, knowing that his daughter is following his legacy of devoted and eternal love in her own life.

I will stand for us, Vincent, and carry our light, no matter how long and how far I have to go. For it is what I live and breathe for, in the hope that one day, we will carry that light together…

Forever,                  
                   Catherine

Let Your Heart Speak To Mine

(Catherine's Letter To Vincent)

by Michelle

Vincent,

I can’t believe it… I understand what you were trying to say, but I just can’t believe that it’s what you really want… Do you really want me to live estranged from you, pursuing a life of happiness Above without the only man that I could ever find happiness with? Without you?  After all that we’ve been through, after all that we’ve shared and endured? After I have known the taste and the feel of true love, real, raw, sweet, honest and more powerful than I’ve ever known before?

When you left me standing there, I felt as cold as the steel door you closed behind you. Taking all my hopes, all my dreams, all my love for you away, never to return it. And all I could think of was why do you have to be so noble, Vincent?  

It is your noble heart, your wy of putting my well-being first, which was one of the things that made me fall in love with you. Yet this time, you took your nobility to another level, one that causes indescribable pain from separation, of a loss so deep, and so terrible that I don’t know how to deal with it. Losing my mother all those years ago was something that has marked me for life, but losing you is a blow so brutal that I almost can’t breathe…

It’s been only a couple of days since you’ve left me, sent me out to live a life that you think I deserve. If that’s what you want, I will try because I have always respected what you think and feel. I’ll try to meet my friends more regularly, spend more time with my father, do the things I like doing.

But please… Don’t ask me to take courage from the love that we’ve shared and let it help me to love someone else…It is something that will never happen, and if you still feel all my emotions and feelings, you know that I’m right. For what woman could fall in love with someone else after having loved you? Some things are truly impossible…

Today was a lovely day. I spent it with my friend Nancy and her family. I played with her children, helped her to cook dinner; we celebrated the birthday of one of our friends. All surrounded by our friends and their loved ones. And I’m not going to lie and say that I didn’t feel a bit sad, wishing that this was my family, that these were the things that I could do and enjoy with my own family.

But there was one irreplaceable thing missing in the picture, a puzzle piece without which all of the dreams and possibilities vanish in the wind like specks of dust - you... All of this would mean nothing if I couldn’t share it with you, the man who fills my heart to the very last muscle tissue that holds it together.

I met an old friend of mine who also visited Nancy today. A man. He asked me if I wanted to spend some time with him. I could have said yes; he is a good man, caring and kind. I was given a chance to start a new chapter of my life as you wished for me. I could have… But I didn’t, I couldn’t…

By the time the day was almost over, all the joy of seeing my friends again and sharing a glimpse of their happy lives had faded. Suddenly, I felt restless. Unable to silence my longing, I withdrew to my room only to escape the worried looks of the people I love dearly but who cannot understand what I feel.

Vincent, God knows I don’t wish to make you feel any worse than you must already be feeling, but I can’t help it. I feel unable to shut out my grief, the pain that cuts through me like a knife because you sent me away… I don’t know how and I don’t want to know how to do it. I want you to feel me, to share everything that I feel for it brings me consolation that no one and nothing ever can…

Living without you stopped being an option for me the moment I found the volume of Shakespeare’s Sonnets that you had left on my balcony, with that beautiful rose pressed between the pages, and I read the sonnet you had marked… At that moment, I knew that nothing could separate us, that somehow we were meant to find each other, care for each other, lift each other to places we have never been before, love each other…

It’s the middle of the night, and I should sleep, but the land of dreams seems such a remote place now that I took to pen and paper and am writing these words to you, despite knowing you might never read them.

Vincent… I asked you this question some time ago, but I’m asking again: What will we do? I refuse to believe that I’ll never see you again because that would mean that I gave up. You can only give up when you lose all hope, and I haven’t, for you taught me that hope is the first of many steps to reaching for what your heart longs for the most. And what my heart longs for the most is you.

Waves of indecisiveness and confusion are tearing through me constantly, as I fight a battle with myself, not knowing how to move forward. But I can’t give up on trying; I need to find a way, for myself, for both of us…

My mind, my heart and soul are in a strange place now. I feel… disconnected… from myself, from my other half, the best part of who I am. Can you still feel me, Vincent, or has our separation severed our bond, that connection that makes our love even more powerful, uplifting and beautiful? I’ve been trying to reach out for you in my mind and my heart, but all I’m reaching is an invisible wall, painfully reminding me that you are somewhere behind it, and no matter what I do, I can’t climb over or break through it.

I don’t have the strength to do it on my own. Will you help me, Vincent? Will you reach out to me the way you always used to? Will you pull me to your heart and into your arms again and share your strength with me? We really are those lovers who the world conspires to keep apart...  Yet we have always managed to beat all the odds life tried to impose on us. We have because we fought them together.

My mother always wanted a happy life for me. But what defines a happy life? Is it the vision of your own home, with a loving partner, children playing in the backyard and a dog running around to create a picture that someone could have cut out from a perfect romantic novel? Or is it a life shared with your soul mate, someone who fills your whole being with their love, understanding and care, creating a home within their heart for both of you?

The more I’ve been thinking about it these past few days, the more convinced I am that it’s a state of our inner peace of mind. A state where whatever situation we must face, we can and will face it with the knowledge that it’s worth fighting for.

I am still like a broken vase, the content of which has spilt all over the place. And I know that there is only one person who can glue all the shards together and make me whole, fill me up again. Someone who truly knows who I am, whose heart and mind is so tied to mine that it’s almost physically painful to be apart from him…

Don’t give up, Vincent, please…not on me, not on us… Help me find my lost balance, my joy, my peace of mind. Help me find a way for us to share one life, no matter in what form it might be. I can survive if you decide never to see me again, but I can’t live without you; I’ve known that for a long time…

Listen, stop and listen for a moment, Vincent. You will hear the beating of my bleeding heart that is still desperately looking for its other half, slowly withering in time and space from cold and emptiness. And when you hear it, please, don’t remain silent, don’t lock your words in the deepest chamber of your soul, but bear them out to me. Let your heart speak to mine so that they can find a way to walk together again…

Forever,

Catherine

One Year

(Catherine's Letter To Vincent)

by Michelle

Dear Vincent,

I can’t believe how time flies. It seems like it was only yesterday as I was lying on the cold ground of the benighted Central Park, and my life was slipping away from me. Beaten, unconscious, alone… And then suddenly, I wasn’t alone. At that one moment, my aloneness had ended for good…

It’s been exactly a year tonight, Vincent, a whole 365 days since you came into my life. Or since I came into yours? Either way, it has been the most wonderful year of my life!

It hasn’t been an easy one; danger and pain followed us many times, threatening to destroy not only the beautiful bond we share but also our lives. Yet we’ve endured and refused to take the easier path. With each little step, we took our connection further, deepened it, allowed it to grow stronger. At first with great caution, but soon after with great courage. I appreciate every single moment because each of them brought me closer to you, made me learn more about you (and about myself), made me love you more…

I’m sitting here restless, excited, impatient for the sun to set and make way for the darkness of the night when you can safely find your way to me. It’s strange… I’ve always loved the sunshine, the changing colours of daylight, the energy with which it fills me. But for a year now, I find myself unconsciously counting the hours until dark, finding it more exciting, more miraculous, more beautiful, for there is a chance that it might lead you to me.

In that year, I almost lost you, too many times that I can find bearable - either to evil people, that horrible cave-in, your noble heart wishing a better life for me, or the worst of all, my own fault when I misjudged my feelings… People often use the phrase, and sometimes it seems exaggerated and pathetic, but you taught me its true meaning - I can’t imagine my life without you…

What are you doing right now, Vincent? Choosing another lovely book for us to read? Beating Father in chess again?  Getting ready for our evening together? Maybe you are reaching for your cloak right now. Darkness has already spread its veil over New York…

We haven’t arranged anything for tonight, but I know you will come to me because I know you. That night from a year ago is very special for both of us. It brought us together and only proves that the worst events often lead to the best outcomes.

It’s time for me to light the candles. I have lots of them, way more than it’s probably safe on the balcony with all my plants, but I can’t help it. I want to celebrate this day with light, for that is what you have become to me, Vincent - the light in my darkness…

When I feel lost, you are always there to find me.

When I’m sad, your voice and your words give me comfort.

When I feel hopeless, your belief in me gives me strength.

When I’m afraid, you show me how to fight my fear.

When I love… you return my love in ways I could never even imagine…

The world can be such a dark place sometimes, full of threats, prejudices and hatred. Sometimes we forget that empathy is not only one-sided; it reaches much further than only in one direction. Sometimes our hearts harden due to routine, lack of motivation, misfortune or our strong convictions. And sometimes, it causes irreparable harm in dividing us, filling us with anger and resentment.

When you came into my life, Vincent, for the first time in my life, I truly learned to see with my heart, not only scratching the surface but wholeheartedly. I’ve learned to listen without judging; talk without overpowering; feel without being afraid. Thanks to you, I have learned that we can change the world for the better, without hurting others along the way, if we at least try to look at the world through their eyes.

For all that and so much more, I am in your debt forever… I may not have been a bad person before, but since knowing you, I have become better, wiser, stronger and more empathic. You’ve made me want to be the best version of myself that I can be.

One year… What will the next one bring? No one can tell, but I am looking forward to it with a smile on my face, a thrill in my veins, and above all, love, filling my heart completely…

I’m here, Vincent, for all my remaining existence on this Earth, and no matter what happens, I will always be here for you and love you until a higher force calls me away one day. But I will not be afraid, because you’ll be with me, in my heart…

Love,
            Catherine

No Turning Back

(Catherine's Letter To Vincent)

by Michelle

Dear Vincent,

I almost lost you today - again… And yet today was the first time when the fear of losing you hit me so hard, that it almost crushed me.

I put my hope of helping to save you from your stony tomb into the most unlikely hands - Mouse’s. I barely knew him, but trusted his apparent skills and judgment in the hour of the gravest need; and Elliot’s, who has yet to win my trust, but without whom, there wouldn’t be you and Father anymore…

Right now, I’m drained, physically and above all, mentally. I’ve felt fear in my life before. I felt it when my mother’s life was hanging on its last thread, and I knew that I was about to lose her way too soon forever. I also felt it when one of the men who attacked me flashed his knife in front of my face to show me what he was about to do. And there were other times I felt it, times I’d rather not talk about, at least not now…

Still, I can’t put into words the horror gripping my heart when I found out what had happened to you and Father today. Where can I even begin? Do I even dare to relive the terror chilling me down to my bones, almost paralysing me at some points when all hope seemed lost?

I wasn’t thinking about what had happened between us before when I decided to ask Elliot for help. I wasn’t thinking of the awkwardness, arguments, or whatever might have happened once I saw him again. I could only think of one thing: ‘Vincent must live…’ Isn’t it amazing how crisis and fear can partially shut down our self-awareness and push us forward to get where we need to be? Love really makes us do the strangest things…

Yes, Vincent, love. We’ve been dancing around that emotion ever since we met, and I know how difficult it is for you to put it in words. I know why it is difficult for you, but trust me, I felt it right from the start, even if it might not have seemed so at first. Until today, we have been meeting at night, sharing the warmth of our embraces, listening to each other’s heartbeats and voices. And yet we never named it by its true name - love… For that’s what it is when two people count the hours to meet again, when the mere sight of each other brings a smile to their faces and a spark to their eyes like nothing else can.

I’m writing these lines, and my hands are shaking when I think of you buried under those rocks… My hands never shake, Vincent. That is the impact today has had on me. When I told you I’ve never been so frightened, I wasn’t lying. And maybe that fear, the raised adrenaline made me act in ways I probably wouldn’t have otherwise, but I didn’t care; I still don’t… not if it meant saving you and Father and bringing you back home…

Our parting at the threshold was the most difficult one for me yet. I always miss you when we go our separate ways, but tonight, it was almost physically painful. After everything that happened today, I needed to be by your side just a little longer.  I needed to feel you even more than ever before. Only your much-needed recovery from today prevented me from turning around and following you anywhere you would wish to go…

Is this what it feels like, Vincent? Does it feel the same when you save me from danger, when you save my life? This… I don’t even know how to describe it… this stabbing pain in the heart when you realise that the life of someone you love is hanging by a thread, and you have so little time to change it that every second is vital? I guess that’s what drowning feels like - you can’t breathe, the world around you shrinks more and more, and you pray for a miracle, using all your strength to escape death…

More than anything today, I’m grateful, for not only is Father safe, but most of all, you, the man I love, are alive and safe. How did you manage not to lose hope while buried in that frightening darkness, Vincent? What kept your mind and heart going when everything seemed lost? I can only imagine, but I am grateful. Maybe it was your fear for Father and his health. And maybe it was my love, calling out to you, letting you know that a life without is simply unthinkable…

I am as tired as I haven’t been in a long time, and yet I can’t sleep… I wonder if you are asleep. Probably yes, since the weight of the world has been taken off your shoulders after those gruelling hours, and you can finally rest. But I wonder… Do you think about us just as I am at this very moment? Do you wish, too, that we were resting now together, reassuring ourselves that we are still two inseparable parts of one being? I wish…

Either way, my heart is at peace tonight, knowing that you are safe and well. And as I finally lay myself to bed, there is one memory that will put me to sleep eventually - the memory of your beating heart echoing in my ear as I lay it on your chest at the threshold. And I hope that when you sleep, throughout our bond, you will hear the beating of my own heart speaking to you, for now you know for certain that it beats only for you…

Forever,

      Catherine

The Colours Of The World

(Vincent's Letter To Catherine)

by Michelle

Dear Catherine,

It has been over a week since you helped me return to my home after my dramatic experience Above. I was half-blind, battered and bruised, embittered… It was your presence, your deep affection and care in these past days that have helped my spirit to remain unbroken and rise from the ashes of disillusion.

I have been on the mend, but still, there are memories, feelings and thoughts that keep haunting my mind, making me ask myself time and time again:

Why do human beings keep hurting each other? How is it possible that the stronger ones keep oppressing the weaker ones? Where does the need for having power over someone come from? What is the reason for some people having everything and others nothing but a blind conviction that they will live by somehow, even if it means losing their own dignity in doing so? If people do such appalling things to each other, can they still call themselves human?

In a single, frightful night, I have experienced such contradictory human emotions and characters that it threatened to overwhelm me.

I have witnessed hate, rage and abuse, almost making me lose all hope in humanity.

I have witnessed the kindness and generosity of heart of someone, who is regarded as low by the world Above. She had offered her help, giving her trust to someone she was frightened of at first, but then managed to see through the eyes of empathy.

And I have witnessed pure, childlike innocence and sweetness of someone who was regarded as simple-minded in his world, yet who so bravely gave his own life, only to save mine… 

The values of my world are so different from the values of so many people in your world, Catherine. I have always known that, but it never ceases to make me wonder, sometimes even despair. If we allow evil to overcome us, where is the hope for a better, kinder world?

Perhaps such a world will never exist Above. Perhaps it was destiny to create such a world Below, where no evil can reach. Only time will tell whether it can remain unspoiled by it. Others might call me a fool, but I will not lose hope that one day, our values will become the values of everyone Above, that we will share the same dreams and reach for them with the same dignity, honesty and goodwill.

That night, I was trying to be brave, to find my way home and not lose hope, though it was a very arduous task. Failure and surrender were walking hand-in-hand at times, following me like a growing shadow. Yet there was something that was pushing me to carry on, pulling me back up on my feet relentlessly, and in the end, it helped me to find the way back to the Tunnels - the feeling of you constantly being near.

Catherine, I don’t know why it happened to us, how and for what purpose was our bond created. It is a miracle that keeps on giving, bewildering, helping, and healing. A miracle that played a major part in my perseverance that night and, eventually my rescue. You said I found my own way back to the Tunnels entrance. That may be true, but the thought of you being near was the drive that kept me on that way. For that, as for many things I never told you about but you must have felt, there are not enough words to thank you…

I had never been exposed to such aggression, humiliation and violence in my life before. And yet, experiencing all the contradictory moments that night, made me understand one thing more than ever: the world is not black or white; it is a kaleidoscope of hundreds of colour shades, all woven into a single great tapestry of life. And it is our task to find such colours that make that life a joyful, fulfilling, honest and righteous one.

You have returned to your world Above. However, my chamber is still permeated with your subtle, sweet scent. It reminds me of the miracle of having you near for those few, precious days. And though we are miles apart again, I can feel you just as near right now, for the bond we share is quietly singing in my heart.

The sound of the tapping on the pipes has gone quiet now, midnight is near, but I cannot sleep. However, it is not nightmares that are keeping me awake tonight. It is the knowledge that I will soon be able to find my way up to you again. We may not have planned it at the beginning, but there is no way back anymore. Our lives are bound together by that most fragile, yet most beautiful thread that I dare not name… In my mind, it brings back the words of a poem that has always spoken to me: 

“I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.” (1)

  

I remember that night when I found my way to your balcony for the first time. Everything was telling me not to do so, but I took the leap of faith and walked down the daring, almost impossible path. I took the road less travelled, opening the doors to a new horizon for me, brightening my life in means I am not capable of describing in mere words.

In and through your eyes, Catherine, I see the world in colours that break through the black and white in all of us. And because of that, I shall embrace all the challenges life will impose on me, hoping that the strength your nearness and affection bring me will see me through the nights and days to come and always help me find my way home…

                                                                  Vincent

 

Last Night 

(Vincent's Letter To Catherine)

by Michelle

Dear Catherine,

The night may be over, but the light I saw in your eyes just before we parted only a little while ago is still burning bright in my memory, never to fade away. It was the light of hope, of expectation, of tenderness, and of a feeling I dare not name for I dare not hope that what I felt in your heart at that moment might truly be real…

Halloween is a magical night, a scary one for some people, a night full of legends and mysteries but for me, from now on, it will be a night forever engraved in my heart as the most wondrous and beautiful in my whole life.

That was the night when I walked with you in your world, Catherine. Above - free from my eternal burden, free from fear of being revealed. I was blessed by your kindness and happiness in sharing that night with me.

For one night, I walked empty-handed among my enemies.

For one night, I knew what it meant to be a mere human…

We walked through the city like other people and you showed me places I have only heard of or read about. I have walked through New York countless times. I know its darkest streets, narrowest passageways, tallest towers, rooftops reaching towards the night sky. But you, Catherine, you showed me theatres, galleries, cathedrals, and streets filled with excited people…

And then, when we sat down on the riverbank and watched the sun gently rise above the Queensboro bridge, I felt like my whole life was leading to this one singular moment - I almost became one with the stream ahead and the air around us, watching something that had previously been forbidden to my eyes, and most of all, I was enjoying all this with the only person in the world with whom I wished to share every moment of my existence…

For the first time in my life, I saw the sunrise, and the colours it brought to life in your hair, Catherine, were a sight I will never forget. It was as if the sky poured a rainbow all over it, dazzling and enchanting. Just like the same first shy rays of the sun reflected in your eyes - those eyes that seemed to be calling me, drawing me near, echoing a longing embedded within the deepest part of my heart…

For one night, I forgot what I was and lived only for who I was. All of this happened because of you, Catherine, and I will forever cherish those moments, when time seemed to stand still and open its arms to us, giving us more than we ever expected.

It is early morning and you are probably sleeping by now, having a well-deserved rest after last night’s adventure. Yet, I cannot sleep; my mind is full of memories of those sweet, beautiful moments we shared.

I remember your arm entwined with mine as we were walking.

I remember wrapping you in my cloak when the night air was getting chilly, and the tremble of your small body under the touch of my hands.

I remember the melody of your soft voice, caressing my ears and breaking easily through the sounds of the city.

I remember your smile, almost blinding me whenever you looked at me.

And I remember the heat radiating from you and the colourful light in your eyes, full of unspoken feelings as we were sitting on the bench side by side, so close…

Whatever happens from now on, nothing can take last night away from me, from us. Like the most precious treasure, buried deep in the ocean, last night will find its home in the most cherished place of my heart. It is the place that belongs only to you, Catherine…

Rest now, my dearest, for though I am miles away, I will keep watch over your peaceful sleep. And when you wake, I hope that when you think of last night, you will feel the same way I do now - blessed… 

                                                        Vincent