Waterfalls

 by Michelle

I have been sitting here for hours now, collecting my thoughts, contemplating the past days, that tasted so bitter-sweet to me. The days which Catherine had spent here Below with us, at the time of her greatest loss - after the death of her father.

I love sitting here, on the rocky ledge, watching the masses of water rushing down into the underground lake. They are rushing like time, the ever-present and merciless constant of our lives, giving but also taking so much from us. I stare at the Waterfalls and feel like I’m being drawn into them, with a force stronger than I could ever fight. I stare at the Waterfalls and instead of the liquid streams shimmering in the light of the setting sun, I see a face. It has almost a transparent quality, and yet I can see it so clearly, so vividly, as if it was only a touch away from me. I see the face of my beloved Catherine…

Has it really been only a couple of hours since we parted on the threshold when she returned back to her world? Only yesterday, we were sitting here side by side, staring at the Waterfalls together. Only yesterday, I could feel her warmth, her gentle hand resting on mine, when she asked me the question, that has been haunting my mind for so long now…

Will we ever be together, truly together?

The answer I gave her was the most cautious and truest one I could have given her and yet, in my heart, with every fibre of my being, I wished to shout to all corners of the world I’m yours, whenever, wherever, always... forever...

My face was smiling at her, but my heart was aching so much, feeling the power of my heavy thoughts - pulling me down, as gravity pulls down the water in the Waterfalls, rumbling, roaring, crying...

She said, “I don’t want to hurt you, I don’t ever want to disappoint you...”

Oh, Catherine, how could you ever disappoint me when you have decided to share your life with me in any way it is possible? Without wavering, without fear, without prejudice?  Your love is falling on me like the waters I am looking at now, with a force that is as overwhelming as it is cleansing and liberating.

My brave face was hiding my breaking heart when we were walking toward the threshold. Catherine’s small, incredibly soft and warm hand, was securely resting in mine. She has so much trust in me, she always had, ever since the beginning. And most of the time, it is her hand that quickly reaches for mine, before mine does it.

Standing there, at the threshold, she looked insecure, doubting whether she had enough courage to return to the world she belongs. I’ve always known Catherine has more courage than she believes herself. Whatever the challenge, she always accepts it with grace and fearless resolve.

When she stopped at the ladder leading back up Above and turned round to face me again, I knew… I knew it before it came and descended on me like the sweetest touch of an angel’s wing.

The look in her eyes, when she was walking back to me, was clear, decided, unwavering. The feel of her soft lips on mine was dizzying, making my head spin immediately, so much, that I almost lost balance when she pulled back from me.

I felt like being washed over by the very Waterfalls I am looking at now, drowning in her love… for me… a creature without any right to receive it.

And yet, when she looked at me again, I saw she had made her decision then and there. She decided we will go with care but especially with courage. And my heart, which just a few minutes before was almost breaking at the thought of her departure, was suddenly lifted to the skies…

I’m sitting here, watching the Waterfalls and caressing Catherine’s rose in my palm, just like I have done so many times before. I should be terrified, I should be worried about my own emotions spinning out of control and bringing devastation to the one I love. Yet what I feel now is an almost inexplicable joy, relief and thrill of expectation of things to come.

When I look into the wild waters, I can see her beautiful face again. She is smiling at me, I can feel her warmth reaching my bones, and I don’t feel alone. For she is with me wherever I am. With me, within me. Always…

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