You Are Not Alone

by Michelle

Note: Some dialogue was used from the season 01 episode 'The Heart of the Jungle', written by Giacomo Bisanti.

The cruel yet somehow subdued splashing sound of water hit him like a well-aimed dagger into his heart... again... The sea swallowed the body of the deceased in a rather dignified and solemn way, just like the woman who had just sunk to its bottom was all her life. Yanez was right - life wasn’t kind to Nur, and yet it allowed her to become a mother and raise a son who may not have been hers in the physical sense, but whose bond of deep love with her transcended any laws of biology.

This is not how you deserved to die, ibu... And it’s all my fault...

The floor in front of his eyes was swimming due to the tears that refused to stop streaming like waterfalls from his devastated eyes. The sob he was stifling throughout the whole ceremony was dangerously demanding to be released from its prison in his throat. In the last moment, he shook himself off and turned around. He had to leave the deck, right now, or he knew he wouldn’t manage to keep it together.

Nobody said a word as all the eyes on deck followed their Captain as he retreated to the hold.
“Somebody should go to him,” Emilio said quietly. His worry, stemming from his admiration and love for the man guiding them, coloured his gentle voice.
“There’s nothing any of us can do,” Yanez remarked, fighting his own urge to console his best friend and the dearest person to him in the world. “This is something he has to process alone.”

As the silence swallowed any more possible remarks, and everyone slowly walked away to focus on their duties again, no one noticed that someone had decided to follow the Captain. Marianne was already closing the door leading below deck as her sad eyes met Yanez’s worried look in the last moment. Those few seconds were enough for a mutual understanding.

Marianne’s footsteps were light and slow, even though something deep inside her was willing her to move as fast as she could. What if he finds it an intrusion into his privacy? I’m only his hostage, after all, she contemplated. And yet, she couldn’t stand the thought of Sandokan locked up in his cabin alone, hurting and broken. She had been there too, standing at the mental abyss and staring into its seemingly never-ending depth, as black as the darkest Borneo night. The memory of her mother’s death still subtly lingered in the back of her mind. And then, another memory appeared, the one of standing on the cliff edge and thinking how easy it would be to just make the final step and escape the inevitable golden cage of her future life back in London. She didn’t have time to ponder more on the subject back then, because her eyes caught the attention of the body, unmistakably washed out by the sea, lying on the beach below her. She hadn’t thought about it before, but Sandokan became her lifeline that day - unexpected and mysterious, yet intriguing and special at the same time.

Despite everything that had happened since then, she couldn’t fight the fact that she was drawn to him like a moth to a flame, and not just physically. This was not just an ordinary pirate, that was for sure. His interaction with people, his manners and versatile skills, his intelligence spanning from trade to Shakespeare, and especially the kind, caring and protective side toward his injured friend Yanez, his mother and all her girls in Singapore... These colourful mosaic pieces created the extraordinary image of a man who made that little something inside Marianne’s heart, which she couldn’t define, grow bigger as time went on. That night when Nur told her about Sandokan’s successful effort to make her and all the girls’ lives dignified and happy again, Marianne spent long hours contemplating her impression of him. She realised even more that there were many layers to every human being, and no one can judge another before truly getting to know them. Yes, Sandokan kidnapped her, but if she was honest with herself, she knew he had no other choice. It was her own fault that she had left her room and gone looking for Sani, finding the incapacitated soldier in the yard and running into Sandokan and his escaping friends. Had she stayed in bed, none of this would have happened. Perhaps, she would have been on her way to London by now, facing a long and dreary high society life. Or perhaps, she would have been lying at the bottom of the sea, escaping the very same fate...

Today was the first chance she could repay Sandokan for pulling her out of her misery and opening the door in her soul to let light in again, and Marianne was not going to let her uncertainty stop her from doing so.

The knuckles of her hand rather hesitantly probed the door leading to his cabin. There was no response. She took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, steadying herself from... She didn’t really know what, only guessed. Pushing the door open, the image before her almost made her heart break.

Bent over, with his strong but elegant hands cradling his head, and breathing heavily, the man Marianne knew as an epitome of strength, confidence and courage seemed lost - in himself and in his grief. His self-control was falling into pieces, threatening to crumble under the weight of his personal loss with any next breath as he was still trying hard to stifle the sobs building up in his chest...

Marianne walked quietly over to him, and her arms mercifully surrounded his perfectly sculpted frame, offering him something solid to lean on. Sandokan didn’t even attempt to pull back; he rather surrendered completely, knowing that all his physical reserves were depleted.
Let it out... Just let it all out and breathe...

Marianne was willing him to listen merely by the way her hands gently caressed his head and back, over and over... like a mother desperately wanting to soothe her hurting child, although it wasn’t motherly feelings that were the source of Marianne’s compassion, nor her empathic nature towards all those who suffer.

Sandokan had stepped into the darkness yet again, but at that moment, he didn’t know how to look beyond it. The feeling of guilt kept gnawing at him with every laboured breath he took. And then he heard the unfamiliar sounds bursting out of his chest -  the suppressed pain finally receiving an outlet...

Marianne didn’t know how long they were standing there, their bodies blending seamlessly into one figure, as if they were made for each other. Suddenly, she felt Sandokan pulling back a little, and she followed suit. Seeing his face glistening with the shed tears, her hands reached out and tenderly wiped away as much as she could with her thumbs. She had no idea where she got the courage for such an intimate touch, but it didn’t matter to her.

Sandokan obviously didn’t mind. In fact, after taking a deep breath, he exhaled loudly and closed his eyes the moment he felt the gentle touch of her hands on his skin. Only briefly, but his personal boundaries were weakened, and resistance was a forgotten word that night. However, he quickly regained his control and shook his head apologetically, shame forcing him to lower his eyes.

”I’m sorry...” he whispered with a strained voice, feeling the salty taste of the last tear on his lips.
”Don’t be,” Marianne countered softly, still inadvertently holding his hands. Her intense gaze willed him to look at her again, as if feeling its heat. “Nothing seems right at this moment... You blame yourself... You just want to cry, and scream, and hit something and....” She exhaled to steady the rush of her own memories that threatened to overwhelm her. ”I know people often say it just to comfort someone,” she went on, “but you know I really mean it when I say... I know how you feel...”

It was the first time since Nur’s death that she saw a smile on his tortured face. It was a sad one, without the usual sparks in his eyes that usually appeared there, but she was still grateful to see it.
”Yes, I know,” Sandokan acknowledged softly, which earned him a smile in return and a light squeeze of her hands.
Their eyes remained connected for a while before Marianne blinked and swallowed, briefly lowering her eyes and finally releasing his hands, as warm as his dark gaze.
”You should rest,” she said and smiled at him. “It’s been... a long day.”
A deep sigh tore from Sandokan’s chest, then he nodded.

Marianne slowly turned around, ready to leave, but before she reached the cabin door, his mellow voice stopped her.
”Marianne...”
She turned around, her mouth half-opened and her heart thumping in her chest.
”Thank you.”

He was incapable of saying anything more that night, but he needed… wanted her to know how much he appreciated her honest care. And so he used the last of his remaining energy to convey everything in those two words. In other circumstances, he would have wanted to tell her so much more... but either way, he saw no way how what he had been feeling more and more every day could change anything. Their loss might have been the same, but their worlds were not. That truth had been eating him inside almost from the day she spoke to him first, but he would have to learn to live with the reality somehow...

Marianne watched the array of emotions play out on his face, fascinated by the display and at the same time touched by his words that warmed her more than an open fire on a cold night. She smiled at him again and then, slowly and very reluctantly, left him alone, closing the door behind her. Immediately, she felt bereft of his nearness, but it seemed there was nothing she could do about it: she was the daughter of the Labuan Consul; he was a pirate. Their two worlds couldn’t have been further apart and yet... For some inexplicable reason, she felt closer to him than she had ever felt to anyone, apart from her mother.

Hope can be the sweetest torture sometimes, but if it lacks courage, it often amounts to nothing. At that moment, Marianne felt her courage, otherwise so prevalent in her nature, was sleeping. What would it take for it to awaken? That was the question she was clueless to answer, for even the bravest ones know fear - especially if it is fear of a possible rejection...

※※※

Sandokan unhurriedly walked down the steps leading to the hold. His eyes landed on the figure of the woman lying in the hammock, cradled by the gliding movement of the prahu. She was asleep, and the pirate hesitated for a moment, unwilling to interrupt her rest.

The memory of her face during his talk to Yanez last night emerged in his mind again – where once there was anger and obstinacy in her face, now there was uncertainty, and he could swear fear, as well, but not of him, nor of being thrown to the fish; that was one thing Sandokan was sure of. What did she fear then?
Hope whispered one thing to him: Perhaps she’s afraid of leaving you…
He frowned, inwardly scolding himself for his silly dream. He swallowed hard before speaking softly.
“Marianne...”

She opened her eyes and sleepily regarded the dim outline of the man standing above her.
“Get ready,” he continued. “We are going ashore.”
Marianne accepted the help of his hands to get up from the hammock.
“Ashore?” she repeated incredulously, her worst fear creeping into her mind again. “Why?” she asked while he released her hands. Despite her discomfort at the looming reality, it didn’t go unnoticed by her, though, that he did it slowly, using the brief moment to trace the smooth skin on her fingers.
“It’s time to go home,” Sandokan said, his face sad.

There… This is really it…

“You’re freeing me??”
Her frowning face made Sandokan smile in amusement. “Did you expect to be my hostage forever?”
“No… of course, not,” Marianne forced a weak smile, briefly lowering her eyes. “I… just didn’t expect it to end like this.”
“Your father kept his promise, now it’s my turn,” the pirate tried to sound casual.
“But…”

Shyness swallowed the rest of Marianne’s sentence. How many times had silence spoken more than words? Her throat was burning, dying to speak, as she kept gazing at him, searching in those warm, dark eyes the understanding of what she wanted but didn’t have the courage to say.  The desperate plea in her own eyes projected it clearly, and as she suddenly found it difficult to breathe, she had only one thought.

I don’t want to leave… I don’t want to go anywhere where you are not…

Sandokan patiently waited, willing her to continue but not letting himself get carried away with what he still regarded as a fantasy. He had a mission to fulfil, something greater than the deepest desire that was dangerously growing in his heart.

“Where will you leave me?” Marianne asked hastily after blinking to regain her composure.
“Near the mines. The Sultan is friends with your father. They’ll take you home from there.”  
“What about you?”
“I’ll look for my parents.”

One more lingering look into her eyes, and then Sandokan reluctantly turned on his heel, returning to the deck the same way he came down, leaving behind what he desired the most – love.
Marianne’s eyes followed him until his impressive figure disappeared at the top of the steps. Her heart was pounding, her brain overloaded with thoughts beyond her control.
Is this really how it’s going to end? How we are going to end?

There were times in the past few days she had wished none of it had happened, that she was still in Labuan chasing spiders and getting ready for her trip to England. Times when anger and frustration overrode her reason and all the good that came with the man who (although forced to it) kidnapped her.
However, this time, she wished he would return and tell her he had changed his mind. This time, all she wanted was to stay by his side, relish in his calming presence, explore his intelligent mind and feel the warmth of his touch and his eyes on hers - forever…

 ※※※

 

Marianne put the last piece of her modest belongings into a sack; it was the night gown she had on that night when Sandokan took her away from the safety of Labuan, and she became his hostage.

How strange it all seemed to her now, a hostage! In only a few days, so much had happened and so much had changed... Despite her unfavourable status, Sandokan was her protector, never allowing anyone to harm her and treating her with appropriate respect. She watched with keen interest his interactions with women in his adoptive mother’s house, those women who used to be treated as the lowest creatures without heart or soul once. They all behaved warmly to Sandokan, not wanting to charm him, but projecting a genuine affection characteristic of siblings. He didn’t see them as goods to be sold to whoever paid more. For Sandokan, women truly were sacred, just as one of his laws on the ship said, and Marianne couldn’t help but be impressed by it. In her world, which boasted to be civilised, women were treated more like a decoration in a purely man’s world, making her question more and more which world she had experienced was more civilised in reality.

A sudden sound of footsteps behind her brought her back to the present, and she turned around. Against her will, her heart skipped a beat at the sight of the man she had just been thinking about.
“We are ready to leave,” Sandokan said, his voice coloured with traces of... something she couldn’t be sure about.
”Me too,” Marianne replied quietly, her eyes pinned to his, glowing in the semi-darkness of the hold. In fact, I am not...

He nodded, seemingly unable to break their eye contact. After a beat that seemed like eternity, he spoke again.
”Thank you for last night.” Sandokan’s mellow voice was quiet again. “I...” He sighed, briefly lowering his eyes, as dark as coal in the faded light of the hold. “It was very kind of you.”
Marianne smiled softly. “From a hostage, I know.”
He chuckled, then his smile faded, and the light in his eyes spoke of something coming from the depths of his heart. “You are not my hostage any more...”

He didn’t dare to add the rest of his thought, for he was sure it would be pointless. He didn’t say that he couldn’t imagine a new day without seeing her inquisitive face, hearing her thoughts, or at least being near her. His heart was crying out to let her know, but his reason fought it with all its weakening power. However, he was unable to hide the warmth radiating from his gaze as he silently regarded her.

What am I to you if not a hostage? Marianne thought, desperately fighting the urge to ask him for real. The memory of their first dance back in Labuan overwhelmed her senses. Back then, Sandokan revealed his gentle, romantic side to her, guiding her through the waltz with great skill, but also care and deep focus on her. The sensation intensified when she remembered their next dance in Singapore, where his softness gave way to the bold yet still respectful intensity, even more awaking feelings in her that no other man had ever managed - euphoria, thrill, and unexpected, all-consuming passion...

I can’t do this... I don’t have the strength...

She mentally shook herself off and brought them back to his initial thought.
”Losing someone we love is a journey everyone must take alone at some point, but...” She paused for a moment, then spoke from her heart. “I just wanted you to know that you are not.”

It was Sandokan’s turn to smile, with that tender and warming smile making everything seem better. Then it slowly faded as he tilted his head and visibly thought about something.
”Would you have jumped? Back then on the cliff?” he inquired with genuine interest.
Marianne was taken aback by his question, but then she blinked, still holding his affectionate gaze.
”I don’t know,” she answered truthfully, frowning, “I was so confused… but... I’m glad you were there... so I didn’t have to decide.”
”Me too,” was his quiet answer.

The smiles returned to both their faces, acknowledging the importance of their presence in each other’s lives. For some unknown reason, fate brought them together at the time of facing their personal storms. And neither of them could deny the fact that the impact of their encounter would influence the course of their future forever.

 

“Grief knits two hearts in closer bonds than happiness ever can;

And common sufferings are far stronger links than common joys.”

- William Faulkner -